Dealing With Post-Divorce-Syndrome

it wont rain 4 everI am very sorry if you have read about my parents before in other blog post of mine. It is just that they provide me a readily available case study of some of life’s issues that I have addressed in my blog. One of which is a very thorny issue – divorce !

Growing up with, and living with them for twenty seven years of my life made life always (back then) seem so simple and without challenges. They, like I noted in one of my post, were the most sincere, honest and good-hearted humans I have ever known. They abhorred bad things like no other person I have ever known. My dad did not smoke, drink, club, keep late nights or womanise. My mum, as a wife, made marriage appealing to me, even at a very young age. The are my role models for life.

Thus, as a husband, my dad was the best. His life style made us have a “wrong” impression about relationships/marriage – we were made to see relationship/marriage as a union of two people ordained by God to live with each other happily ever after. My mum too returned the “gesture” by carrying herself as a wife should, judging from what our pastors used to preach then about family life and all the films we used to watch on TV dealing with family life – humility from the woman, honesty and sincerity, assisting the man, shunning infidelity, trust for my dad, respect for my dad, doing to my dad what she would want my dad to do to her, and much more. I saw all of this play out in their marriage and our home. It was a wonderful place to grow up.

However, as we were gradually released to the larger society, I soon discovered that marriage went beyond what I saw at home. I got to know that indeed, it was possible for a blissful and envied union to go sour just like a very delicious soup could suddenly become uneatable. It became very hard to belief that a couple that loved each other so much and decided to live together for life, could both stand in a court room and consent to the fact that the marriage had broken down over irreconcilable differences.  At that moment, nothing is important other than the final pronouncement of the judge that it was all over. Not even the post-divorce fate of the children, if any, is important at that moment. And then the much-awaited pronouncement comes….and it is all over !!!

And then what follows???

What follows is better imagined than experienced.  I call the aftermath of a divorce POST-DIVORCE-SYNDROME. Please do not Google this as you might not find an exact search result. I put the words together to describe all the pains, bitterness, trauma, feeling of disappointment, regret, frustration, anger, confusion, destabilisation, sicknesses, constant tears, loneliness, emotional wreckage and break down, disappointment in God and even death resulting from health complications that may follow the divorce.

Come on!!! The tale of woe enumerated above must not be allowed to have their way, especially death, which is very possible. But they are there – waiting to consume the divorcee. There they are, without listening ears.  One cannot tell them not to come. They keep coming. One takes over the divorcee, over powers him/her and beckons on another, and then another, until the divorcee becomes inconsolable.

No doubt, when the divorcee is told to “deal” with the situation, you keep hearing stuffs like “it’s not easy.” Yes! I know it’s not easy. But YOU MUST DEAL WITH THE SITUATION BEFORE IT DEALS WITH YOU, BIG TIME!!! Simple ! If the divorcee however says “what do I do?” ; then I can say “now you are talking!”

A friend of mine went through her post-divorce-syndrome with a fighter’s approach. Her attitude was four-fold : firstly, she had to stay strong  and stay alive for her kids ; secondly, her husband must not be given the joy of laughing over her misery after all that he did that led to the divorce and thirdly, all the tale of woe enumerated above have no ears. You cannot tell them to go back or not to “deal” with you. Fourthly, life just had to go on, even though, seemingly, in a dark tunnel. But the point that could not be taken from her was that the dark tunnel had an end, and how long she would spend in the tunnel ENTIRELY DEPENDED ON HER !!!

I really admire her courage and fighting spirit. Today, she seems to be far better than when she was in the troubled marriage. She looks prettier, calm and happier and has re-focused towards a better future. In fact, her attitude helped the kids a lot to absorb the reality of their new family situation. There is no doubt that as a human being, the thought of the divorce would creep in once in a while, but like I do when the recent death of my sister, who died during child birth, comes to my mind, she “arrests” the thought immediately.  It has to be arrested. If not, it takes over the whole being. The fact that she runs her own business has also helped a lot. Being busy has really helped the recovery and healing process. She is also the out-going type – friendly and love outings a lot. Divorcees need to fill their minds always with things that interests them and make them happy – things that nourish the flesh, body and mind. It is more like tapping into the saying that “an idle mind is the devil’s workshop.”

Come on !!! There are so many divorcees that have moved on. In fact, some, like my friend, are grateful to God for the divorce or separation. Do you know that there are marriages/relationships that are not approved by God? Proverbs 16:25 says :  “There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death.”  And in Proverbs 21:2 we read that : “Every way of a man is right in his own eyes: but the LORD pondereth the hearts.”

Do you also know that there are some marriages that should not have taken place  in the first place?   Some marriages are simply errors ! Praying regularly can free one from the “land of bondage.”  For some, divorce ( or separation) brings in fresh air not felt while the marriage lasted. For some, divorce, unknowingly, could just be the key that was needed for a spectacular breakthrough that had long been delayed.

And hey !! I know divorcees that have re-married, moved on and later discovered why God “master-minded” the divorce. They later discover that all the tears were actually “good riddance to bad rubbish!”  I am actually talking from a personal experience. I had four and half years of my life wasted by a “smooth operator.” I kept praying and committing the relationship into God’s hands when I noticed the “hand writing on the wall.” At His appointed time, He revealed to me that I was actually planning to marry a “mistake!” I have been married for about six years now and can confidently say that separation/divorce could just be a saving grace from God.

Divorce, though painful, should be seen as one of life’s many battles. Humans are supposed to think their way out of them and not allow them to swallow us up. I have been through a traumatic separation before. I simply refused it to consume me; and I know people who have moved on by dealing with the post-divorce-syndrome.

So, are you a divorcee or do you know one? Please give them my message – deal with the problem, or it will deal with you, big time….this can also include death !!!

Thanks  for your time.

DEDICATION….

This post is a special dedication to my friend Wanderlustryramblings and another lady(names withheld for confidentiality), who has been a great source of inspiration to me. This is wishing the two of you and affected visitors to my blog, the fastest post-divorce healing ever.

Related posts :

Divorce : The fate of children

Handling outsider involvement in marriages

15 wrong reasons to get married