Marriage Could Turn Out To Be A Nightmare If…



Last Sunday, I received a phone call from an acquaintance who wanted me to intervene in a marital squabble with her husband. Incidentally, I have lost count of the number of times I have been invited to intervene in their quarrels. Sincerely, I do not like having direct involvements in marital affairs, just like I don’t like people involving themselves in mine. I prefer a medium such as what I am doing now, to do that.
What really annoyed me most was that, as in the past, what caused the quarrel was so minor as to make the husband throw out her things and ask her to go back to her family. I was so upset. Sadly, their seven months old baby was caught in the middle of what I chose to call “immaturity in marriage.”

By the grace of God, my marriage will be six years old in September this year. Glory to God 🙂 I can never claim to have a perfect marriage to be a “marriage counselor.” But sincerely, I have learnt a lot in this one-of-a-kind “school” called marriage, to be able to share a few tips, targeted, mainly to those who are planning to get married some day in the near future. However, if you are married, going through my tips will certainly be rewarding.

Marriage is a sweet experience; but where the “rules” are treated with insignificance, or were the man and woman chose not to play by the “rules,” it could just be a prolonged nightmare, so horrifying that it could  scare (and have been scaring) single ladies and guys away from it.

Here are a few tips (just 14, to avoid a long list) I have been able to gather in this one-of-a-kind “school” called marriage….

1. Commit your marriage into the hands of God. God knows the past, present and future of your relationship.

2. The immediate thing that happens after marriage is that “I” and “my” ceases to be a priority. “We” and “our” becomes a priority in all that you do.

3. As a matter of “MUST,” you have to adjust your relationship with your male friends and female friends, especially your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend (as the case may be), to reflect your new status.

4. Do unto your spouse as you would have him/her do unto you.

5. Generally, it is being said that men are the heads of the family. I agree. However, note that a good family head MUST be caring, considerate and supportive to the wife.

6. One big mistake a man can make is to insist on a master-servant relationship between himself and his wife.

7. Every spouse loves a humble spouse. Pride stinks !!! It is the single most powerful home-destroyer !!!

8. If a man wants to show that he has power, he should not show it on the wife, he should go and sign up with World Wrestling Federation 🙂

9. As much as you can, keep your marital problems away from outsiders.

10. Strive to be the best husband (or wife) in the world and the best father (or mum) in the world when you start having children.

11. The worst solution to any marital problem is a separation or divorce, especially where you have children.

12. Read my post on 15 wrong reasons to get married.

13. Tolerance, perseverance, understanding, endurance, patience, slow-to-anger and over-looking of trivial issues, are traits spouses MUST imbibe.

14. A 24-hour communication must exist between spouses. Talk to each other. Do not be a boring spouse. Do not make your spouse seek who to share her thoughts with from outside. Do not hide your grievances from each other. Do not bottle up your thoughts towards each other.

In most cases, marriages are what the spouses make them to be !

May the Lord bless us all with marital bliss 🙂

Thanks for your time 🙂

Other related posts :

Searching for true love

The travails of an aging single lady

Your Career And Your Family … Which One Comes First ?

Image courtesy Sura Nualpradid/

Image courtesy Sura Nualpradid/

He’s fifteen. At that tender age, he has already assumed the huge responsibility of being a mother and a father to three kids. He bathes, feeds, takes care of them and takes them to school. He also teaches them “what he knows.”

Before you begin to wonder if he is an hermaphrodite, let me quickly tell you that this little father-mother is just a house help !!!
This is a real life story and not fiction. Similar stories are found everywhere, except in my home 🙂 There is one bad thing about making money – it makes you forget that there are some things it cannot buy. A child from a very wealthy home once said to me out of frustration, “I have everything, except parental love.” Her parents are never around. They leave very early for work and come back very late at night. Even when they are around, it’s still work-work-work !!! For her, everything she knows comes from outsiders. Mummy or daddy have no time to teach her anything. Fun? That it is a different issue entirely – no outings as a family, no sitting down and watching TV together, no parent-child playing together and no sign of having parents !
Between couples, the inability of  a man or woman to maintain a good balance between work and the family has led to strained relationships/marriages and divorce in extreme cases. Some cases of staying out late into the nights, eating out  and adultery are also traceable to the inability to strike a balance between giving your career the best attention it deserves and at the same time, not making one’s family to be deprived of care, love, and attention. Hey! Where ever we go, we still need to go back home. So, it is compulsory that  in all that we do, the home front has to be given a well-deserved attention.
A man’s regular presence in the house cannot be over emphasised. His presence provides a psychological security for his family, plays a major role in discipline, reduces or eliminates the tendency towards adultery, reduces the tendency for the children to “learn” from outside the family and keeps the family bond strong. It also teaches the male children how to be a good family man in future. This, I learnt from my late dad 🙂 For me, the best thing about closing time at work is that not too long I would be with my family. It is the best place to unwind after a hard day’s work 🙂 Even when I have to go and unwind after work, I go with my lovely family, who would not even spare my phone lines as soon as it is time for me to be at home, and I am not there.
My late mum’s friend’s marriage almost hit the rocks when the lady resigned from the public service for a very lucrative bank job. The huge salary she got replaced the happy family she once had. Having a good time with her family stopped. Cooking for the family stopped. Playing with the children stopped. Having time for her husband stopped. In fact, the female house help “took over” the house. She was lucky the maid did not take over her husband too 🙂 When she noticed that her marriage and family were heading towards a collapse, she had to make a quick and hard decision – her career or her family? She chose her family !!!
Which one would you have chosen? 🙂
Thanks for you time

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The arduous task of parenting in the 21st century

Divorce and separation : The fate of children

Blaming the devil for our decisions

What are we teaching our children

Dealing With Post-Divorce-Syndrome

it wont rain 4 everI am very sorry if you have read about my parents before in other blog post of mine. It is just that they provide me a readily available case study of some of life’s issues that I have addressed in my blog. One of which is a very thorny issue – divorce !

Growing up with, and living with them for twenty seven years of my life made life always (back then) seem so simple and without challenges. They, like I noted in one of my post, were the most sincere, honest and good-hearted humans I have ever known. They abhorred bad things like no other person I have ever known. My dad did not smoke, drink, club, keep late nights or womanise. My mum, as a wife, made marriage appealing to me, even at a very young age. The are my role models for life.

Thus, as a husband, my dad was the best. His life style made us have a “wrong” impression about relationships/marriage – we were made to see relationship/marriage as a union of two people ordained by God to live with each other happily ever after. My mum too returned the “gesture” by carrying herself as a wife should, judging from what our pastors used to preach then about family life and all the films we used to watch on TV dealing with family life – humility from the woman, honesty and sincerity, assisting the man, shunning infidelity, trust for my dad, respect for my dad, doing to my dad what she would want my dad to do to her, and much more. I saw all of this play out in their marriage and our home. It was a wonderful place to grow up.

However, as we were gradually released to the larger society, I soon discovered that marriage went beyond what I saw at home. I got to know that indeed, it was possible for a blissful and envied union to go sour just like a very delicious soup could suddenly become uneatable. It became very hard to belief that a couple that loved each other so much and decided to live together for life, could both stand in a court room and consent to the fact that the marriage had broken down over irreconcilable differences.  At that moment, nothing is important other than the final pronouncement of the judge that it was all over. Not even the post-divorce fate of the children, if any, is important at that moment. And then the much-awaited pronouncement comes….and it is all over !!!

And then what follows???

What follows is better imagined than experienced.  I call the aftermath of a divorce POST-DIVORCE-SYNDROME. Please do not Google this as you might not find an exact search result. I put the words together to describe all the pains, bitterness, trauma, feeling of disappointment, regret, frustration, anger, confusion, destabilisation, sicknesses, constant tears, loneliness, emotional wreckage and break down, disappointment in God and even death resulting from health complications that may follow the divorce.

Come on!!! The tale of woe enumerated above must not be allowed to have their way, especially death, which is very possible. But they are there – waiting to consume the divorcee. There they are, without listening ears.  One cannot tell them not to come. They keep coming. One takes over the divorcee, over powers him/her and beckons on another, and then another, until the divorcee becomes inconsolable.

No doubt, when the divorcee is told to “deal” with the situation, you keep hearing stuffs like “it’s not easy.” Yes! I know it’s not easy. But YOU MUST DEAL WITH THE SITUATION BEFORE IT DEALS WITH YOU, BIG TIME!!! Simple ! If the divorcee however says “what do I do?” ; then I can say “now you are talking!”

A friend of mine went through her post-divorce-syndrome with a fighter’s approach. Her attitude was four-fold : firstly, she had to stay strong  and stay alive for her kids ; secondly, her husband must not be given the joy of laughing over her misery after all that he did that led to the divorce and thirdly, all the tale of woe enumerated above have no ears. You cannot tell them to go back or not to “deal” with you. Fourthly, life just had to go on, even though, seemingly, in a dark tunnel. But the point that could not be taken from her was that the dark tunnel had an end, and how long she would spend in the tunnel ENTIRELY DEPENDED ON HER !!!

I really admire her courage and fighting spirit. Today, she seems to be far better than when she was in the troubled marriage. She looks prettier, calm and happier and has re-focused towards a better future. In fact, her attitude helped the kids a lot to absorb the reality of their new family situation. There is no doubt that as a human being, the thought of the divorce would creep in once in a while, but like I do when the recent death of my sister, who died during child birth, comes to my mind, she “arrests” the thought immediately.  It has to be arrested. If not, it takes over the whole being. The fact that she runs her own business has also helped a lot. Being busy has really helped the recovery and healing process. She is also the out-going type – friendly and love outings a lot. Divorcees need to fill their minds always with things that interests them and make them happy – things that nourish the flesh, body and mind. It is more like tapping into the saying that “an idle mind is the devil’s workshop.”

Come on !!! There are so many divorcees that have moved on. In fact, some, like my friend, are grateful to God for the divorce or separation. Do you know that there are marriages/relationships that are not approved by God? Proverbs 16:25 says :  “There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death.”  And in Proverbs 21:2 we read that : “Every way of a man is right in his own eyes: but the LORD pondereth the hearts.”

Do you also know that there are some marriages that should not have taken place  in the first place?   Some marriages are simply errors ! Praying regularly can free one from the “land of bondage.”  For some, divorce ( or separation) brings in fresh air not felt while the marriage lasted. For some, divorce, unknowingly, could just be the key that was needed for a spectacular breakthrough that had long been delayed.

And hey !! I know divorcees that have re-married, moved on and later discovered why God “master-minded” the divorce. They later discover that all the tears were actually “good riddance to bad rubbish!”  I am actually talking from a personal experience. I had four and half years of my life wasted by a “smooth operator.” I kept praying and committing the relationship into God’s hands when I noticed the “hand writing on the wall.” At His appointed time, He revealed to me that I was actually planning to marry a “mistake!” I have been married for about six years now and can confidently say that separation/divorce could just be a saving grace from God.

Divorce, though painful, should be seen as one of life’s many battles. Humans are supposed to think their way out of them and not allow them to swallow us up. I have been through a traumatic separation before. I simply refused it to consume me; and I know people who have moved on by dealing with the post-divorce-syndrome.

So, are you a divorcee or do you know one? Please give them my message – deal with the problem, or it will deal with you, big time….this can also include death !!!

Thanks  for your time.


This post is a special dedication to my friend Wanderlustryramblings and another lady(names withheld for confidentiality), who has been a great source of inspiration to me. This is wishing the two of you and affected visitors to my blog, the fastest post-divorce healing ever.

Related posts :

Divorce : The fate of children

Handling outsider involvement in marriages

15 wrong reasons to get married

15 Wrong Reasons To Get Married!

Wishing you marital bliss

Wishing you marital bliss

Hi. I got this beautiful message from from Pastor Bimbo Odukoya’s facebook page. I am sure it would be very useful to you or someone you know…..

1. You must not get married because of lust.

2. Infatuation (Love at first sight- sudden love)
3. Just liking the idea of marriage. It’s just like joining the Army because you like the uniform. Nobody joins the army with a promise that he won’t go to war.4. The fear of remaining unmarried(my friends are all married, my sisters are all
married e.t.c)5. Pressure (parents, friends, etc)

6. Because you want to escape being jilted (if he is the right man/woman, he or she wont jilt you)

7. Getting married for money (money does not guarantee a successful marriage at all.

8. Using marriage as an escape route! [I am tired of mom and dad]

9. Having pity… (feeling sorry for the Man or the Woman.)

10. Foolish Expectation……[Marrying an unbeliever and expecting him/her to change in the course marriage! especially if they don’t change before you marry them]

11. Marrying for Beauty or Handsomeness…….[The best time to access a woman properly is absolutely when she wakes up in the morning!] Let him see you as you are Now!!!

12. Accidental PREGNANCY! [Just because you become pregnant along the line doesn’t mean you have to bury your destiny there.

13. Tribal Connection [I must marry someone from my town.,,etc…]

14. To satisfy your Parents.

15. Marrying to hurt your Parent

Dr D.K Olukoya (MFM)

Divorce !!!….Live must go on…..

wanderlustry ramblings

The months after separation I was racked with overwhelming bouts of bitterness. Whenever I went out I saw happy couples, I looked out of my window and I saw young mothers around my age playing with their kids while greeting their husbands returning from office. These scenes played out in front of me every day and the bitterness refused to go. This continued till I found an anonymous quote: It is best to leave your ex’s where you found them.

Bitterness is like poison, it spreads through your body, mind and life. Before you know it, you will be a slave to the bitterness, spewing in anger at everything you lost because of your ex rather than working towards achieving what you want. Bitterness feeds on anger which takes over your life making it difficult to let go and start afresh. During the time I was fighting the bitterness…

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Handling Outsider Involvement In Marriages

A neighbour of mine approached me and told me how lucky I was to have a very good wife. I smiled and asked him how he knew I had a good wife. He said he has never heard us quarrel before. I smiled at him again and asked him : “do you know why you have never heard us quarrel before?” He said he knew – that my wife is very good in all respects. I burst into laughter and then asked him : “do you know that we quarrelled this morning?” There was this expression of shock on his face. He exclaimed: “it’s a lie!” I told him that we quarrel just like every other couple does, but when we do, we keep it within us. So, the reason why he has never seen us quarrel in our five years of being neighbours, was obviously because we did not want him or anybody for that matter, to know about our problems. In his own case, he is fond of taking their quarrel outside to the full view of ever attentive neighbours. The one that touches me me most is how the children beg their parents, in tears, to “sheath their swords.”

I once had a very bitter experience about two years ago. I had a quarrel with my wife, disregarding the presence of my then 3 year+ son. I noticed tears in his eyes and still ignored him. He walked up to me and put his hand on my lap while looking up to my face. He did not utter a sound. But his silence spoke his mind. I felt a strong guilt give me a “hot slap.” Instantly, we (me and my wife) kept quiet. I carried him up and took him to the balcony and pacified him. That incident marked a turning point in my life. I vowed to myself that no matter what, I would never quarrel with my wife again in the presence of my kids. So, it comes back to keeping my quarrels between me and my wife.

Still keeping marital problems between partners, one of the greatest destroyers of families is outsider influence! For God’s sake, what makes a man or woman think that the person that they are telling about their marital problems does not have a greater problem that is yet to be resolved? What makes them even think that the “problem solver” really cares or means well for the troubled marriage? I have heard of a case of a woman who was stylishly kicked out of her matrimonial home by the same person she was always running to each time she had a problem with her husband.

As for couple’s parents, I see it as a sign of immaturity, as far as marriage is concerned, where a man or woman is so quick to run to his or her parents to report their partners.

One of my wife’s greatest sins against me is to involve outsiders in our marital problems. This she knows. Outsiders can never love a marriage more than the couple themselves.

The only person I trust and I am sure can completely and perfectly heal any marital problem, without any regrets and hidden agenda is God almighty.

In extreme cases, a well trusted man of God can be involved. However, I doubt if I would ever do this anyway.

So, for me, my marital problems stays between me and my wife….and God.
Why ? Read this : “Woe to them that go down to Egypt for help; and stay on horses, and trust in chariots, because they are many; and in horsemen, because they are very strong; but they look not unto the Holy One of Israel, neither seek the Lord!” (Isaiah 31:1)

A word is enough for the wise.

Thanks for your time.

Related Posts :

When you seek help from man

What are we teaching our children?

Divorce and separation : The fate of children

That comforter of yours could just be a home-breaker

The Travails Of An Aging Single Lady !


Image courtesy

On my way back from work yesterday, I overheard a discussion between two ladies – one apparently married and the other a single. The married lady seemed not to be happy over her friend’s choice of partner. According to her, he does not suit her status – academically and financially. But in response, the single lady unconsciously exclaimed : “am 42 for crying out loud!” Her exclamation actually aroused the attention of everybody in the bus. She added: “I know how long it took me to pin down this one.” From their discussion, it was revealed that the lady was actually older than her partner by seven years ! She raised serious issues like early menopause and shame as some of the her reasons. She also said her younger sisters are all married.

Cases like this abound everywhere – that is, true love being relegated to insignificance in crucial circumstances such as this. Then I asked : how long will this relationship last? Can a relationship whereby a lady has to “pin down” a guy for fear of waiting for so long again really stand the test of time? Will the guy not wake up one day and suddenly discover that he has been dating, or got married (if they eventually do) to his big “aunt”? What’s the point dating or getting married to someone without any iota of love existing between them? Is it a crime to be single? I am not aware of any law in the world that makes spinsterhood or bachelorhood a crime. I am only aware of societal and family pressures. Are these enough for a man or woman to place himself/herself on a life-time of  “what did I do to myself?”

Too many questions already; yet I have more : which is better? – to stay single and be relatively happy or to “force” oneself into a relationship or marriage because of the age factor and then live a life of regrets? Well, in my own opinion, divorce is a whole kettle of problems on its own!

No doubt, my questions appear “simple”; but I know that they are questions, which, if not prayerfully handled can put one’s life through installment death! They are questions which an affected person needs the help of someone who knows the beginning and the end of every relationship. Such a person should be able to give an advice that can NEVER lead to regrets.
This is where God Almighty comes in. He is a perfect decision maker – no mistakes, no regrets, perfect timing and He knows your partner inside out. In these days of insincerity in relationships, one can do with some help from this omnipresent and caring father.

Choosing a life-time partner is one of the most delicate decisions that we all have to make in our journey through life. It calls for a lot of caution, wisdom and very importantly, a lot of prayers. When mistakes are made the consequences are usually not pleasant. The only people who would agree to this are those who are right now saying “had known” or “Lord, quickly bring this nightmare to an end.”

God really cares for us if we seek His help in ALL circumstances. It requires a deliberate hand-over of our affairs to Him. And what do you get in return…

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” (Jere 29:11)

So, “Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.” (Psalm 37:5)

God bless us all.

Related posts:

The malaise called delayed marriage

Divorce and separation : The fate of children

Searching for true love


Divorce And Separations : The Fate Of Children

Cases of divorce are very common globally today, being the aftermath of a number of factors ranging from infidelity, dwindling finances, lack of contentment, intolerance, unsubmissiveness on the part of the woman, arrogance of the husband, amongst others. In some cases, legally processed divorces are not the case, but a mere walk-out by either the man or the woman.  And in some cases, what you have is what I will call in-house divorce/separation – a situation where the spouses live together, and do not communicate with each other. In all, one thing is obvious – the once happy home is no more!!!

Image courtesy  David Castillo Dominici/

Image courtesy David Castillo Dominici/

Look at it this way: before things go awry, there was this moment when the man and woman loved each other so much that they gathered people together to come and see them tie the nuptial knots. Meaning : if we reverse the ‘’hands of behavior’’ backwards, it is possible for things to return to normalcy if the spouse(s) involved is WILLING. If this is true, then there should not be divorces except very very serious issues are involved such as that which exposes a spouse’s life to danger, like possible man slaughter. Biblically, except for adultery, divorce is not allowed.

However, this has not been the case in many cases. A young man once told me that he was ending the relationship because his spouse was ‘‘unsubmissive and talks back at him’’. Then I asked him, if there was a time when all was well. He answered in the affirmative. Then I said the solution was not separation but that two of them should trace back their relationship and take corrective actions because there is no perfect relationship anywhere. I want to be quoted on this. Some people see the pre-divorce turbulent period as a dark tunnel which can only be brought to an end only by a divorce. The question is: is it always the case? Does divorce guarantee light at the end of the dark tunnel.

My sojourn in the academia has been very beneficial in many fronts. One of the greatest benefits is my exposure to all kinds of children – yes I mean all kinds of children – the intelligent, average, weak, very weak, children with disabilities, emotionally balanced and those that are emotionally traumatized.

It is very interesting to note that most of the students that I have had to have a chat with for having moral or academic challenges were those whose parents had SEPARATED OR DIVORCED or their marriage was on the verge of collapse.

One of my former students once said: ‘’how can I concentrate when my parents are always fighting.” Another who I noticed was always absent minded in class once told me what I feared: ‘’her parents were divorced and home was no more home sweet home.’’ Another who was always in a bad mood told me that their home was a war zone on a daily basis. The kids of my former neighbor always spent their time in my apartment. The reason is not far-fetched – daddy comes back late, since he was always fighting with the mum; even when he returns late, as he usually does, it is fighting all through the night. A prostitute once said that the abandonment of their once happy home by the dad pushed her into the streets. If you checked the confessions of most of the street kids, armed robbers and other criminals, one fact is common – they are mostly products of broken or troubled homes. Take and examine ten emotionally disturbed and traumatised children. More than five cases will be the aftermath of troubled homes.

No doubt, the absence of that father figure, no matter how poor he may be, in any home tells a lot about what eventually becomes of that child in future. Any man who says he can bring up his kids alone without their motherly love and attention should give his views a second thought. And it is usually time that proves each person right or wrong.

What about the prolonged emotional problems that creep in for both spouses, with each wearing an all-is-well face.  What about families’ and societal perception of the new status of both spouses. It is no hidden fact that some remarriages sometimes end up in friction and disunity with a long list of commonly found unpleasant consequences. If you say divorce cases sometimes end ‘’well’’ it will definitely be that there was no child between them.

So wherein lays the light at the end of the dark tunnel which divorce, separation or in-house separation was meant to bring about. What I see instead is a continuation of the dark tunnel, which in most cases eventually turns into a darker tunnel.

The summary of my submission is this : spouses should ALWAYS give priority to the effects of their actions on their innocent children. They deserve to be happy like every other child, secured and free from trauma, and assured of a blissful tomorrow. The spouses too deserve marital bliss as planned out by God. For this to be so spouses should swallow the humble pie and always remember their MARRIAGE VOWS, and above all be PRAYERFUL.

Wishing you a blissful marriage and an enviable family.

Thanks for your time.


Related post :

Dealing with post-divorce-syndrome